Strong Words, Softly Spoken

My first blog entry. I originally intended for it to be something else entirely, but I sat down to write and this is what came out. So be it.

I’m sitting at Barnes and Noble at the moment with the intention of writing. When I got here I assumed it would be a positive subject because today has genuinely been a good day. My how things change quickly. I took on the task tonight of writing an email to an old friend who I haven’t spoken with in years due to a misunderstanding that turned into us no longer being a part of each other’s lives. It’s funny how keep hold of you for such a long time. This happened almost 6 years ago and it still feels like it was yesterday. Talk about an open wound. I have dreams about running into this person and not knowing what to say. It’s pretty much the same over and over – I’m out shopping or at the grocery store and suddenly I see her and my anxiety kicks in and I don’t know what to say or do. I used to have it about once a week. Luckily now it’s dwindled down to once a month or so. After 6 years….that’s still alot.

The sad reality is that this was over a boy. A boy and a misunderstanding. Silly, silly girls.

So, this email I was writing..it was harder than I thought it would be to come up with the words. I mean, what do you say…”hey it’s been 6 years….and I’m thinking you still hate me….uh….I’m sorry?” And really, what’s the point? I’m told that I should write her because it will help give me closure, but what happens when I send it and she doesn’t respond? I don’t get closure. I just have more things to question. At some point we have to be able to let go without closure but how does a person actually do that? I certainly have never been able to figure it out. I bottle things up inside and I may forget about them, but they always come back to haunt me in the end. It’s my curse I suppose. It’s why I’m so fucked up and have such issues with relationships. I have no faith in anything relating to people or the relationships I have with them. So sad.

Moving on from the pity party now.

I just got back from NYC last week and oh how I needed that trip badly. I, like millions of other Americans, suffer from seasonal depression. Every January, February and most of March I spend totally and completely depressed and feeling sorry for myself. This year was no exception. It seems like every year at this time I start questioning my existence. Everyone else around me has some great purpose in life, and me? I’m just………………………here. That’s it. At least that’s how I feel most days. I grew up knowing that I was meant for more than just your typical 9-5 office job kind of life and that’s exactly what I’ve allowed to happen to myself. It’s so discouraging. I’m such a creative person and always have been and that’s just gone to hell basically, so that’s sort of the point of this blog – to help me find my creativity again. I’m tired of being lost in the world.

But back to NYC…God I really needed this trip. First off, I just love NYC. I’d absolutely kill to live there one day. I love the hustle and the bustle. I love Times Square, especially at night. I love Greenwich Village & Soho and such. I love being able to walk everywhere you want to go. I just love it. Add to that the fact that I went to see a film I produced in a film festival and show it to graduate students at Rutgers University in Newark, NJ. I just felt like I was accomplishing something. I felt like I had that purpose I always dreamed of. I came home feeling great and ambitious…..and then 3 days back I started to feel myself slip away again. This place is so stifling. Having a full time job is so stifling. I’m tired of being a grown up. I think the happiest I’ve ever been is during college. And not so much because of the party-hearty college life that you’d think, but because I thrive on intellectual stimulation and learning. I grow quickly bored and unhappy when I’m not being constantly challenged or furthering my intelligence somehow. Just today I was driving through UAB in the 70 degree weather with my sunroof open and I felt so at peace on campus. Maybe that means I should be a college professor. Or maybe that means I should just be a professional student. Ha.

I’m rambling. Although, I’m always rambling. But I’m going to put a period on this here because my partner in crime is sitting across from me at an apparent writing road block, so it’s time to call it a night and go home .